MIND & MOOD
Denial: How it hurts, how it helps, and how to cope
Sometimes there are good reasons to stick to denial — or equally good reasons
to let go of it.
July 26, 2023
By Heidi Godman, Executive Editor, Harvard Health Letter
Reviewed by Howard E. LeWine, MD, Chief Medical Editor, Harvard Health
Publishing
"At some point in life, everyone experiences denial, a natural response when
you're unable or unwilling to face the facts. Denial is not always a bad thing. But
it might be easier to recognize in others than in yourself.
"It's hard to look at your own life and take a good inventory of what's going on.
It takes a lot of work," says Jonathan Scholl, a therapist and clinical social
worker at Harvard-affiliated McLean Hospital.
Here's a little insight about denial, how to spot it in yourself and others, and
what you might want to do about it.
What is denial?
In psychological terms, denial is a defense mechanism, a skillful tool the mind
can employ when things get tough. "I see it as a protective barrier we have that
we might or might not be aware of," Scholl says. "It keeps us safe. It also keeps
us from looking at ourselves or addressing something around us and making a
change."
You can be in denial about something you're not ready to admit or take on, or
something that challenges deeply held beliefs.
Common triggers for denial can involve
abuse (mental, emotional, physical, verbal, sexual, financial, or other types of
abuse)
alcohol in excess or other substance use, or substance use disorder
lifestyle or family issues
medical diagnoses
mental health issues
politics
smoking
unhealthy weight gain.
How does denial help us?
Denial can shield us from difficult emotions. Scholl says that might be helpful in
the short term, and provide relief to people who don't have the bandwidth or
ability to face a problem.
For example, maybe someone is unhappy in a relationship, but the thought of
being alone is worse than the thought of being together. Or perhaps someone
is burned out or overwhelmed, and lacks the energy or emotional capability for
accepting what's happening. "Part of the person feels it's easier not to think
about the situation, and lets it go because it feels like it's too much to handle
right now," Scholl says.
How can denial hurt us?
In dangerous or unhealthy situations, denial can hurt us.
For example, keeping our eyes shut about the realities of a physical or mental
illness can lead to serious health consequences. "We see a lot of teens with
depression and substance use disorders, and some parents deny there are
problems because they're afraid of what it means for the child. It comes from a
place of worry," Scholl says. "But denying problems can hurt children and block
them from making meaningful change."
Denial can also hurt when it involves addiction or abuse. Those problems affect
everyone in a family, and can lead to unhealthy patterns that get passed down
from one generation to the next.
Spotting behavior patterns that suggest denial
People in denial often exhibit certain behaviors. For example, they might
minimize or justify problems, issues, or unhealthy behaviors
avoid thinking about problems
avoid taking responsibility for unhealthy behaviors, or blame them on someone
else
refuse to talk about certain issues, and get defensive when the subjects are
brought up.
Moving from denial toward meaningful change
Dealing with denial means first recognizing that it's occurring — which can be a
challenge for anyone — and then addressing the underlying issue that's
causing it.
If you recognize denial in yourself, Scholl advises that you reach out for help.
Talk to someone close to you or get an outside opinion from a therapist, a
spiritual counselor, your doctor, or a hotline number, such as the National
Domestic Violence Hotline if you're experiencing intimate partner violence. For
addiction problems, make that first call to a substance use disorder hotline or
recovery center, or try attending just one meeting of a 12-step program (such
as Alcoholics Anonymous). In time, you can learn to face your fears or
concerns, and develop a concrete plan to change.
Recognizing denial in others: Tread carefully
If you recognize denial in others and you'd like to point it out, tread very
carefully. Seek guidance from experts before taking on a situation that could be
dangerous to you or to the other person.
If the situation is not dangerous, be as compassionate as possible. "Have a
warm and empathetic conversation in an environment without distractions,"
Scholl says. "Express your love and point out what you're seeing. Talk about
how it affects you. And then give it time. You can't force anyone to change. All
you can do is plant a seed.""
About the Author
photo of Heidi Godman
Heidi Godman, Executive Editor, Harvard Health Letter
Heidi Godman is the executive editor of the Harvard Health Letter. Before
coming to the Health Letter, she was an award-winning television news anchor
and medical reporter for 25 years. Heidi was named a journalism fellow … See
Full Bio
View all posts by Heidi Godman
About the Reviewer
photo of Howard E. LeWine, MD
Howard E. LeWine, MD, Chief Medical Editor, Harvard Health Publishing
Dr. Howard LeWine is a practicing internist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in
Boston, Chief Medical Editor at Harvard Health Publishing, and editor in chief of
Harvard Men’s Health Watch. See Full Bio
View all posts by Howard E. LeWine, MD
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